Oh Max, You Were a Good Dog.

I cried on and off all day Sunday. I tried to do laundry, shred old files, and write to-do lists. I cooked and cleaned up after 3 meals, read a couple pages and took the littlest one to the potty at least 12 times, but it's all a fog. Grieving is exhausting work.

Rest in peace, Max. You were a good dog.

I had to research how to tell Declan about death. Here's what I came up with:

It's Monday afternoon. I'm driving. The kids are in the backseat.

Me: Remember how mommy was sad yesterday?
Declan: Yeah. What were you sad about?
Me: Well, I was sad because Mom-mom told me Max died. Do you know what that means?
Declan: Yeah. Well, actually, not really.
Me: It means that Max's body doesn't work anymore. That means he won't be at Mom-mom's house next time we go. We won't be able to play fetch with him or take him for walks anymore.
Declan: Oh.
Me: Mommy is very sad because I remember Max when he was just a puppy, and I loved him very much, and I'm going to miss him. And he was a good dog and a good, pure, friend.
(silence)
Are you sad about Max?
Declan: Not really.
Me: Well it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to not be sad, too. If you do feel sad, I want to you talk to me about it, okay?
Declan: Okay, I will.

I was scared to talk to my kids about death, but it actually helped me. As much as I try to tell myself death is a natural part of life and all that, I can only perceive death as an earth-shattering occurrence. Never fails. To Declan, our dinner of tofu ravioli and lima beans was an earth-shattering experience but this introduction to death was just something to ponder.

I think I handled it well. I want my kids to cope with death better than I do. It helps to have to be the strong one, to choose one's words carefully, clearly, gently.

He was just a dog. But inside the big picture is the little picture where Max was a great friend and a beloved pet and a wagging tail on a bad day. And I desperately want to believe that one day I'll see his big, goofy, slobbery face again. 

I'll save that talk with the kids for another day.